Yet another flare

* I asked Jackson what his favorite color was today.  He replied, “Red of course.” *

My rheumatoid arthritis is flaring again. With a vengeance. It’s terribly depressing.

I have been trying to get some running in because it’s the 12-ish week countdown to the half marathon ( I am still fairly pathetic in my running ability) and I haven’t been sleeping all that much.  Likely those two things have something to do with my R.A. flare… that and a load of other stresses lately.  Like, God dammit, my stupid tabs on my car have been expired for the last three months! What am I thinking?  That hugely expensive ticket is probably the only thing that would have reminded me anyway I suppose.  The list goes on…

So I happened to get a little facebook message from a friend of mine, Jen (spending three months of bliss in Hawaii right now with her husband and new baby girl) and it happened to be a video of a gorgeous insanely flexible model that has severe R.A. It’s so great to see uplifting stories about severe R.A. because mine is severe and it’s going on 6 years that I have been dealing with it.  The model’s name is Jesse Golden and she absolutely rocks!  New inspiration.  Check out this video:

The grass is always….

*Today Jackson said to me, “Mom, you’ve got moxie!”  I’m pretty sure I have to stop reading him Berenstain Bear books…*

Last night I went out for a little refreshing  (though terribly short) getaway.  One of the women in my Mom’s church group has a husband who plays the bass guitar in a band.  The band was playing at the Fineline (my old stomping grounds as a lead singer in former Minneapolis pop-rock band Nothing Static.) Sadly I haven’t been to the Fineline in a really long time.  I suppose live music is one of the things that has fallen away quite a bit since I have become a mom.  The last show I did with my old band was when I was a couple of months pregnant with Jackson (now he will be three in May!)

C’s husband did a great job! He seemed very natural on stage.  He has played the bass for 14 years.  I had a great time having a couple of beers and hanging out with the ladies.  But something sad happened as well… I started to feel very nostalgic and a little bummed out that my singing career is, for all intents and purposes, over.  I suppose I knew it was happening when it was, but now I miss it so much.  Of course we all have selective thinking when we look back on things.  My amazing memories are going to omit the hardships the band had when traveling for shows, the time commitment we had to make to writing songs and practicing, and ups and downs of a relationship fraught with differing opinions of  five different personalities, the lack of money, etc…

When I left the Fineline I went to pay for my drinks and the bartender said, “Nah, I’m not making you pay- you are a rock star from back in the day!”  It really made my night that he remembered me from over 3  years ago! I suppose I made a lasting impression (and hopefully a good one!)  But- the “back in the day” part sort of put salt in my nostalgic wound.

I have thought about this a bit today and it finally dawned on me that it is just another obvious example of   “the grass is always greener.” That if I were in the midst of playing gigs out with my band, I would be worn out  and want to concentrate on my kids and family instead.  When it’s winter I wish it were summer, when it’s summer I wish it were winter.  Where does it end?!   Often times we wish something were different so often, we are missing everything that is.  There is a poem I heard recently that has been in my mind since the moment I heard it.  I googled, and in the spirit of  ‘everything on the internet at your fingertips,’  I found the poem!!! I want to share it with you.

It was Spring, but it was Summer I wanted:

The warm days and the great outdoors.

It was Summer, but it was Fall I wanted:

The colorful leaves and the cool, dry air.

It was Fall, but it was Winter I wanted:

The beautiful snow and the joy of the holiday season.

It was Winter, but it was Spring I wanted:

The warmth and the blossoming of nature.

I was a child, and it was adulthood I wanted:

The freedom and the respect.

I was 20, but it was 30 I wanted:

To be mature and sophisticated.

I was middle-aged, but it was 20 I wanted:

The youth and the free spirit.

I was retired, but it was middle-aged I wanted:

The presence of mind without limitations.

My life was over, and I never got what I wanted.

~ a poem from a book by Charles Swindoll

When I heard this poem at my Mom’s morning large group, the most interesting thing about it, was that it was written by a 14 year old boy.  Already at 14, this boy knew the simple yet intricate thoughts that stem from what can only be described as  human nature. This is inherent in us.  It’s so difficult to try and stop wishing for all of the things we don’t have or a time for things to be better! New years resolution for 2010- stop thinking about all the things I don’t have that I want.  That’s a toughie.  It’s going to take some moxie.

Deliver me Lord

Okay, so considering this is going to be about getting my groceries delivered,  maybe the title on this particular blog entry is a little sacrilegious but I assure you I am a good Christian and I don’t mean anything by it.

Cobornsdelivers.com  SO AWESOME. For anyone living in the Twin Cities or St. Cloud  I highly recommend it.   My sister had written me a rather quick and flippant email about her neighbor trying it out and thinking it’s pretty great… blah blah blah. Well she had no idea I would take her word as gospel (there I go again) and IMMEDIATELY go to the computer and order my groceries.  Since I am taking care of my sister’s son Arjun on Mondays, Tuesdays, and Thursdays, I sometimes have poor planning problems with food!  On more than one occasion I have realized late in the evening on Sunday that I desperately need groceries.  Ooops.  Well I can’t go grocery shopping until Wednesday unless I am going to do it at night, which trust me, is the LAST thing I want to do after taking care of three kids all day and putting my kids to bed.

So it took me a while to find all of our “usual” stuff.  But I patiently created a nice order and to my delight Coborns saves my list!  Now I can just refer to whatever I bought previously and it should take me half the time to shop.  Right now, since I am a first time customer,  the delivery charge is waived for a whopping 90 DAYS!!! And the delivery guy told me to look everything over, make sure I have all the stuff I should and that nothing is broken, because if it is they will fix it and re-deliver whatever is broken/missing! Plus, you can shop at places like French Meadow and Breadsmith! (Fresh Breadsmith banana bread for  the family tomorrow morning!)

I am likely hooked.  I can’t see much reason not to do this- pretty much forever.  Yes, I will still buy most of my produce at Trader Joe’s and I will have to go to Target for sure, but I think my life is instantaneously easier now that I have joined the world of online grocery shopping.

P.S. I was all awkward when the guy showed up with all my groceries at the front door- I said, “Do I tip you?”  He sort of half laughed and said, “No no. We don’t except tips.” Hehehehe

I think Knot.

* Jackson threw his plate after he was finished eating dinner.  I suppose he had enough of sitting there because he was done and instead of asking to be cleaned up and get down, he decided to throw his plate.  I said, “Jackson!  What did you do that for?”  He said, ” Ummm, I did it for daddy.”*

I began this morning by cutting out a knotted chunk of my hair.  All the while saying in my head, “3, 2, 1.  1, 2,3… What the heck is the matter with me?”  It’s my new mantra when I get really upset.  I remembered it from some lame sitcom I used to watch in, I think,  the late 90’s. I tend to over react to certain things that make me very upset (say loosing a bunch of my hair) so I have decided I need a mantra to violently calm my inner self instead of erupting.   Let me rewind for a minute here.

The chunk of knotted hair was caused by my sweet little boy who, since birth, has had this infatuation with hair (particularly mine.)  He starting twirling and playing with my hair from the moment he could control his little hands, which yes, was incredibly endearing.   But, as of the last 6 months began twirling his own, so violently that he was causing a bald spot to form near the back of his head.  This may be hereditary because my father and little brother also did this and had to have buzz cuts for quite a bit of their childhoods. So, reluctantly, I took him to get all of his sweet little-boy- hair shaved off a couple of weeks ago.  I want to attempt to dispel the habit early so no permanent damage (bald spots) occur.

Since the buzz cut, Jackson, who comes into our bed pretty much every night (early morning-ish) has gotten back in the habit of twirling my hair.  I can faintly tell he is doing it but I am sleeping so I don’t bother to actually wake up and stop the twirling.  This morning in the shower I found three knots, two of which I was able to get out with a lot of conditioner and some crazy wide tooth combing (still resulting in quite a bit of hair loss.)  But alas, the third knot was so big and so… knotted, that I couldn’t win.  I cut a big portion of my hair out.  I was very unhappy.

I am happy to report though, that I stayed very calm.  I explained to Jackson that he needed to stop twirling mommy’s hair so tight that it became knotted.  Hopefully he understood.  I don’t know how many times I can actually be so patient and understanding. I only have so much hair.

I ended up getting some great news later in the day too!  Nick may have to travel to San Diego for work and the whole fam is likely going to go!!! It will be more fun in the sun in California and a really nice break in March when Minnesota is still snowy and chilly!   We have good friends that live there as well so I can’t wait to see them and catch up!  It would be Scarlett’s first airplane ride and Jackson’s first airplane ride that he would remember!   Can’t wait!  It isn’t confirmed yet, and there are many details need to be worked out but I am really praying it is a go!

Positive Thinking

* Jackson couldn’t find one of his animals.  He was searching and searching for his shark. We have named each animal he has and he remembers the names quite well.  I told him I would look in the kitchen and the living room and when I didn’t see the shark I started a task in the kitchen.  Jackson yelled from his bedroom, “Mommy!  Did you find that Petunia character yet?!”*

I am trying to be positive.  This is my new approach to the never-ending battles I have with Jackson on practically an hourly basis.  All that I feared is coming true; he is positively the most stubborn, slightly manipulative, strong-willed, precocious, smart, DIFFICULT child since…well, me according to my mother.  When I was a kid she used to say, “I hope you get a child just like you so you will one day understand what I’m going through.”  Great.  Done mom. Now what?!!!

J turns three in May and I am hoping that somehow this “terrible two” stage will be over.  Though I highly doubt it!  I am currently reading a book called Kids, Parents, and Power Struggles.  I think the hardest thing about Jackson discovering his free will is that I am discovering I really and truly CANNOT control my child. Yes, there are tactics to getting a child to follow the rules and discipline is on the top of my list.  But I just must share with you, your child is his/her own person and they can not be controlled.  I don’t know what I was thinking… that if I set some good rules and followed through, my kid will do everything I ask? YEAH RIGHT! That depends entirely on a child’s personality.

I know he is testing every boundary imaginable and at this crucial moment it is very important to let him know exactly where those boundaries are.  I am EXHAUSTED from this.  I don’t want to spend the entire day putting him in time out or giving him one stern talking to after another (let’s face it I also yell.) I wish he could just listen the first time and we could have happy beautiful days! Hahaha right?

To add to my disarray my husband is working a ton and I am getting more and more worn out as the week goes on. Not to mention that Saturday is not going to be considered a weekend anymore because he will be working all day Saturdays as well. Ahhhh!!!!

I haven’t run since we were in Maui so I am going to really be struggling with this half marathon if I don’t snap to it! I am going to have to start getting up at 5am again which I dread even more at this point because the days seem to go on forever.

Think positive. Think positive. Think positive…

On an up note, if anyone remembers the film I acted in last year, it is finished with post production and currently being submitted  to festivals.  I received an email from someone running the Gen Art Film Festival, he is the VP of film. He said, though he wasn’t sure if the film would be accepted yet- because competition is so fierce, that I was truly an exceptional actress!  Coming from him that means a lot!!! He watches hundreds and hundreds of indie films because he controls the films that make it into the festival.  Pretty exciting!

I’m Baaaaack

* Jackson got in trouble for taking a toy away from his sister (literally ripping it out of her hand.)  We had just gotten back from Maui so I felt horrible having to punish him right off the bat.  But he did his time-out and when I went to have him apologize to Scarlett I said, “Jackson I know we have been gone and it’s hard to try to get used to Grandma and Grandpa’s rules and then have us back and have to get used to our rules again.  But we are home now and you may not take toys away from your sister without getting a time-out.”  Jackson said to me (insert FAKE crying voice here,) “Mom!  You were gone for SO long I didn’t think I could stand it!” That little bugger. *

I know it’s been forever since I’ve posted- I’m getting my blog legs back.  Which brings me to the next thing- Maui was AMAZING! It was so great for Nick and I to get back to “Nick and I” ALONE for a bit!  It was also the best thing for getting through another long Minnesota winter.  Now if we could just take a tropical vacation every winter that would be great. Yeah right! P.s. Maui is really expensive.

Anyway I am refreshed, but getting back to the daily grind has been sort of difficult.  I am surprised because I missed my kids so much and cried at least once a day when I talked to Jackson on the phone.  I figured I would be overwhelmingly happy- and of course I am happy to be with my kids- but man it’s like a slap in the face to jump right back into the craziness which is my life, after lounging on the beach, sailing and snorkeling with my husband in the most amazing weather imaginable.  I have a hard job!    It was nice that my parents recognized it too- after watching my babes for the week. On the way home from the airport in the car my dad said, “There are wonderful kids but WOW Brittany, I see what you are up against everyday.  How do you do it by yourself? Your mom and I were both doing something every minute!” I really appreciated that he said that out loud for everyone (Nick) to hear.

It is a particularly crazy time now too. Jackson is potty training (me constantly trying to get him to stop what he’s doing to go on the potty, and cleaning up after accidents.) Scarlett has been crawling since she turned 6 months and she is into everything. Now that she is eating solids lunch time is insane because I also have Arjuna three times a week all day!  I realize now that when I nannied for 4 kids while in college the key was that I had nights and weekends off!

If you are a stay at home mama- I sing your praises!!! Keep up the good work!!! We all need a little pat on the back sometimes, right?

Oh and a little footnote- while on the long flight to Hawaii and back I read Brooke Shields’s book “Down Came the Rain.”  It’s about her journey through infertility and postpartum depression.  I thought it was well written and I suggest it to anyone who has just had a baby regardless if you have had (think you have had)  postpartum depression or not.  For me it was a great insight into what someone with PPD is feeling and how to recognize it with friends.

Yoga on one of the black sand beaches in Maui!

With Joy

*Last night Nick was getting Jackson ready for bed.  He said, “Hey J, let’s get your jammies on.” Jackson said, “Let’s not and say we did.” *

I heard a very inspiring piece of advice from a panel of mentor moms (literally a panel of mentor moms spoke at my Mom’s Morning large group at CPC.) I wanted to share my favorite word of wisdom for all you Hot Mamas out there feeling frazzled and overbooked this holiday season.

“If you can’t do it with Joy, then don’t do it at all.”

I had to remind myself of this today as I hurriedly stuffed Christmas cards into envelopes so as to meet my ‘goal’ of sending them out by Friday.  It wasn’t joyous.

Something to remember about Christmas is that its supposed to be this wonderful family centered time.  If there are too many Holiday parties, too many cards to send out, or too many cookies to bake- it loses it’s beauty and joy.

I hope that you will all take a breath with me right now, close your eyes, take TWO minutes to yourself, and get re focused on what really matters.  Are you spending your holiday the way you want to ? Are you shopping, addressing Christmas cards, baking cookies, and wrapping gifts with JOY?  I truly truly hope that you are.  And that you can take some time to yourself before 2010 begins!!!

The most amazing husband

* A couple of nights ago I was laying with Jackson to snuggle for a couple of minutes before bed.  He was drifting off and on the very verge of falling asleep.  Eyes closed and all, just before he was officially asleep, in a faint little voice, “D-d-d-d-d-d-d Dora.”*

I have, hands down, the most amazing husband in the world.  Last night he fed both kids, got them ready for bed, and put them to bed so I could go to my UMPTEENTH Christmas party. (This one was  a networking thing.)  My agency has a Christmas party for exclusive talent/ casting agents/ photographers/ producers… etc.  I have been so out of the loop because of being under contract, and then being pregnant, that I felt I needed to make an appearance and see some old friends and casting agents!

Anyway the point is- Nick such an awesome father and husband.  I thank God every day that I have him in my life. If you haven’t lately- tell your hubby how awesome he is!

John the Baptist

* Yesterday after Nick got home he asked Jackson how his weekly bible preschool went that morning.  Jackson said, “Dad, we learned about John the Baptist.”  Nick said, “Really? What did you learn about him.”  Jackson said, “He ate a lot of flies and bugs- BLECH!” *  I don’t know where he gets this stuff people. Honestly. And remember he is only two and a half.  I’m getting my moneys worth at that bible school huh!

Run was great this morning.  Hot tub was better.  21 day count down to Maui!!!!!

“Got your nose”

*Last night Jackson played “got your nose” with daddy.  He grabbed Nick’s nose and said, “Got your nose dad.”  Nick said, “Where are you taking it?” Jackson said, “To the North Pole… Santa is hungry.” *

Since it is absolutely freezing outside, Katy and I will be meeting at the gym to run tomorrow morning.  We’ve pushed back the time from 5:15 to 5:45am, and I think if there is time we will sit in the hot tub afterward!  I hope it’s a nice start to my morning tomorrow because I have to say, three kids this close in age is TOUGH!  I know I will get more used to it but for right now it seems like a lot to handle. Especially because Scarlett is starting solids now ( she’s almost 6 months! I can’t believe how fast she is growing up!)  Lunch time is a major process and then I never actually end up eating. Probably better since I’m still at the weight I would like to be before our big vacation.

At my husband’s holiday party one of his co-worker’s wife was saying she and all of her kids got H1N1.  She said she was so sick she couldn’t eat anything and lost 6 lbs.  I said, “Are you still contagious?  Give it to me!!!”  You know I’m kidding.

Hope you are all enjoying the Christmas parties and fun activities so far this Dec. I’ll check back in soon.